Supposed to Be

Last summer I had a miscarriage. I was 10 weeks along. Although I had my moments where I keenly felt that loss, I felt like I was able to recover from it after a short time and felt in relatively good spirits. So I was surprised this last January when on the day of my due date, I was suddenly overwhelmed by this influx of emotion and grief. The due date happened to be the day before my birthday, so I don’t know if that had something to do with it…but I suddenly found myself feeling that loss all over again. As the emotions overcame me I felt some familiar phrases slip into my mind: ‘But this isn’t what was supposed to happen,’ ‘I am supposed to be snuggling a little baby right now’, ‘My children aren’t supposed to be this far apart’, ‘My little girl is supposed to have a little sister’, ‘getting pregnant is not supposed to be this hard.’

Those phrases might sound familiar to you. All of us have experienced ‘supposed to be’ moments in our lives. They come at those intense times where we are experiencing all the emotions and feelings that come when dealing with a loss or letting something go. And one of the ways we find ourselves coping with those overwhelming feelings of the moment is by telling ourselves our ‘supposed to be’ phrases.

Sometimes ‘supposed to be’ experiences are an actual physical loss, like mine was, and sometimes they are simply letting go of a small thing we hoped would be, but never was. Sometimes they are more public and many of those around us see us experience our ‘supposed to be’, and sometimes they are experienced quietly, where no one knows it but us. Sometimes a ‘supposed to be’ is a very dramatic, life altering experience, and sometimes it can simply be a single day where at 5:00 pm and still in our pajama pants, we look around and think ‘but this isn’t how this day was supposed to be.’

We might hear others try to explain the loss that has happened with a ‘well, maybe it was supposed to be.’ But anyone that has experienced one of those losses will say it is hard to look at something that painful and say it was ‘supposed to be.’ In fact, instead of saying ‘it was supposed to be’, maybe we can say ‘it just is.’

If you are experiencing your own ‘supposed to be’ moment, I think it is OK to recognize the loss. To feel it and say ‘yes, that’s what I thought it would be.’ But I know for myself, eventually, I have to find myself moving out of my ‘supposed to be’ phrases to ‘what is’ phrases. I have to have faith that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and for my family. I have to look around and count the blessings I do have in my life. And I have to know and be aware that my mortal self just can’t comprehend all the whys and whats of eternity. The losses and letting gos I experience now do not mean an end forever. I put it in my Heavenly Father’s hands, then I look to him in faith for what he would have me do next.

“Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.”

“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”

--Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Come What May, And Love It,” October 2008 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

P.S. Here is the link to the talk I quoted here. It's a good one. You should read it. :)

P.P.S. I read this story years ago where the author described in a creative way her feelings about her own 'supposed to be' experience. It's a good one and I still love reading and referring to it.