Thoughts on Mothering

 “If you really want to do something nice for a mother you know, tell her she’s doing a good job. Give examples and be specific.” –Melissa Draper

 Several years ago, my family decided to do a little family outing up to Salt Lake City. Some of my children were obsessed with trains at the time, so we decided to ride the FrontRunner commuter train from Provo up to Salt Lake City, and then take Trax over to the downtown area. 

My kids were all pretty young at the time. As we boarded the Trax train, we took our seats near the front on one side. A group of what looked like older teenagers came in behind us and sat down on the other side. They were a little rough looking and speaking very loudly, using very vulgar language, spilling out profanities with what sounded like every other word. Immediately my thoughts went to my children and the interesting words they might end up picking up on this short train ride. But then, one of the boys in their group turned and looked at our little family. He instantly got a wide-eyed look on his face and swiveled back to his friends saying with a stern voice, “Dudes! There’s kids!” They all fell silent, looked at us, the rest of their group noticing us for the first time….and then turned back to each other in conversation, changing their crude language to more respectful tones and bringing their voices down. I was so grateful in that moment as a mother, I no longer had to worry about what my children would hear. I met eyes with the young man who had had the courage to address his friends, gave him a smile, and mouthed the words, ‘Thank You’. He smiled back and then returned to talking with his friends.

I was so touched that this young man had realized how I might feel as a mother and wanted to be respectful of that. He cared so much that he even had the courage to speak up and say something to his friends. And they in turn were respectful enough to acknowledge our family and to listen to their friend. I remember having this feeling and desire to turn to these young men and say, “Where are your mothers? Can I call them? Can I talk to them? I want to let them know that I met some young men today who know how to look outside of themselves and be respectful of those around them. I want your mothers to know that you learned that lesson and you’re practicing it in real life.” I wondered if their mothers worried about them and what they were doing with their lives. I wondered if their mothers were praying for them each day. I wondered if their mothers needed to hear another mother tell them ‘thank you.’

I of course never asked any of them for their mother’s numbers, but it sparked a thought in me. How many people do I come in contact each day, who I do know their mothers, and I can let them know the good things I have observed about them or their families? Mothering is a hard, tough job. While it does bring so much meaning to life, it can also bring its share of heartache, worry, and pain. It can make the most confident woman question herself, and the most hard-working soul wonder if they’re ever doing enough. As a friend once summed up to me so perfectly, “I love it. I love being a mom so much, even though it’s poopy and hard.” And I think it’s when we’re experiencing those ‘poopy’ moments as a mother, we could use a reminder that we’re doing better than we think we are.

Since this experience I made a little goal for myself. I said that if I observed or saw something specific in a child or family that really touched me or inspired me, like I did on that Trax train, I would do my best to tell their mother (or sometimes father or grandparent). I would be very specific in what I had observed and let them know what it meant to me. Being specific was an important part of the goal for me. As mothers, we hear people say things like, ‘women are amazing’, ‘mothers do so much,’ ‘you are just awesome.’ Which is great, those are all good things. But if you are a recovering Master of Negative Talk (which unfortunately a lot of us women are) it is really easy to hear those phrases and say, ‘oh they’re not talking about me’ or ‘that doesn’t apply to my family’ or ‘they don’t really know me that well.’ When you are specific about what you have observed, it’s hard to refute it. Especially when it’s something that woman has worked at and has wondered if it even makes a difference.

I haven’t always been perfect at meeting my goal, but since that moment several years ago I have had many wonderful opportunities to share with another mother an observation I’ve had of her family or her children. Some have been tender and meaningful experiences for me. At times it has taken a little bravery as I approached a woman I did not know quite as well, and I did not want her to think I was crazy or stalking her family. But I have been able to experience over and over again how much mothers need to hear about the specific, good things they are doing. And I have experienced the ties that can bind us as mothers when we share with each other our successes and cheer each other on amidst our struggles.

Motherhood is tough. It’s a beautiful, wonderful job, but it’s hard. If you really want to do something nice for a mother you know, tell her she’s doing a good job. Give examples and be specific. It won’t be forgotten soon, and you will be giving her words she can treasure forever.

Done is Better Than Perfect

“I have come to realize that it is hard to be the hands of the Savior and to try to listen and follow those promptings you may get from the Spirit if you constantly live in fear of not saying or doing everything exactly right. Serving in Christlike love is vulnerable. It not only takes a ‘broken heart and a contrite spirit’, but many times a courageous one as well. We must take our thoughts off ourselves and put away our fears and simply go out and DO.”       

--Melissa Draper

This quote was from a talk I gave a while ago, but it has been on my mind lately. I think with some of the things going on in our world especially. I honestly think fear of offending or doing or saying something wrong can sometimes be a tool Satan uses to keep us from helping and reaching out to those around us. I used to live with that fear a lot, it was a very real thing for me. But I also have always had a real desire to reach out and to do good. And I realized that in order to do good and be the hands of the Savior, I would have to be willing to not do it perfectly. To make mistakes or sometimes even be a little messy. It is all part of learning and growing and becoming like our Savior, even in our serving and ministering efforts.

 I finally decided one day that I would rather risk the chance of saying something wrong and need to apologize for it, then miss a time when something needed to be said and not say anything at all. I decided I would rather have a stranger wonder why that weird lady asked if they needed help, than not do anything at all when help was really needed. I decided I would rather have a neighbor feel a little annoyed and wonder why Melissa is knocking at their door, then not knock when they really needed a friend or a listening ear. Even with the Holy Ghost as our guide and giving us promptings, it still takes skills and a lot of effort to be able to do those things and do them well. And as a pianist I have certainly learned that the only way to get better at something is to keep practicing it. 

So, I’m going to keep practicing and keep trying and not let fear get in the way of serving and helping and doing my part. Because ‘I’m TRYING to be like Jesus’ and ‘I’m TRYING to love my neighbors’ and ‘I’m LEARNING to serve my friends’ and it’s not always going to be done perfectly and that’s OK. God makes up the difference when we fall short. He lets us know the ways we can improve. And He lets us know when He is pleased with our efforts. But most of all He wants us, each one of us, to help in the ‘never-ending task of lifting the load from those who are burdened and relieving the pain of those who are distraught’ and experience the true JOY that can be found in helping and lifting and serving each other. I have been able to experience so much more of that joy when I put my fears aside. Because it’s not in the thinking or talking about something, but in the actual DOING where we really learn how to love and serve as our Savior did. It’s in the DOING where we often feel His love for us. We don’t need to do it perfectly to get it done, God can use us just as we are and magnify our efforts for His purposes.

-quotes from ‘I’m Trying to Be Like Jesus’ by Janice Kappy Perry and ‘Behold the Lamb of God’ by Jeffrey R. Holland

Because of Him

Jacob 5: 21-22

21 And it came to pass that the servant said unto his master: How comest thou hither to plant this tree, or this branch of the tree? For behold, it was the poorest spot in all the land of thy vineyard.

22 And the Lord of the vineyard said unto him: Counsel me not; I knew that it was a poor spot of ground wherefore, I said unto thee, I have nourished it this long time, and thou beholdest that it hath brought forth much fruit.

I love this scripture and the reminder that with the help of our Savior, Jesus Christ and His Atonement, we can still flourish and grow in hard conditions. Our Savior knows our ‘poor spots of ground’ that each of us feel we struggle in, he truly does. He is aware of how all of us may be struggling individually right now because of the unique circumstances we are living in. But in the midst of the hard, whatever it may be, He wants us to remember He will never leave us or forsake us. It doesn’t mean he’s going to take away the burdens we are carrying, but He will continually nourish us and sustain us while we carry them. He will not leave us alone.

With the help of our Savior and His Atonement, we will not only just ‘survive’ and ‘get through’…we can flourish and produce and fulfill our potential, even in hard or limiting conditions, even in poor spots of ground.

Your struggles and challenges do not have to define you. Hold on to the Savior and what you know is true. It’s OK to acknowledge that it’s hard, you don’t have to compare it to anyone else. Hard is hard. Our Savior knows it’s hard for you. But He also doesn’t want you to forget that He is nourishing you, He is sustaining you, and He will never forsake you. You may forever be changed by the challenges you have had to carry, but because of the Savior and His Atonement you will one day be able to see your little tree bear its own fruit. You will still be able to fulfill your divine roles and purposes for Him. Trust in Him and know that He has ‘nourished (you) this long time.’ Not just once or twice, but again and again and again, until you bring forth the fruit that your tree is fully capable of bearing.

No matter where you feel like you’ve been planted, no matter what hand you feel like you have been dealt, no matter what opportunity you feel like you have missed forever, or whatever experience you feel you have had to say goodbye to…because of our Savior, your plan and path is still in place and there is still so much good for you to accomplish and do. Trust in Him and believe that He will be there helping you and guiding you.

Because of our Savior, you still have the potential of bringing forth a glorious harvest!

*This is a picture of my family after worshiping at home together today

The World Needs You

“Our Father in Heaven needs us as we are, as we are growing to become. He has intentionally made us different from one another so that even with our imperfections we can fulfill his purposes. My greatest misery comes when I feel I have to fit what others are doing, or what I think others expect of me. I am most happy when I am comfortable being me and trying to do what my Father in Heaven and I expect me to be.

For many years I tried to measure the oft times quiet, reflective, thoughtful Pat Holland against the robust, bubbly, talkative, and energetic Jeff Holland and others with like qualities. I have learned through several fatiguing failures that you can’t have joy in being bubbly if you are not a bubbly person. It is a contradiction in terms. I have given up seeing myself as a flawed person because my energy level is lower than Jeff’s, and I don’t talk as much as he does, nor as fast. Giving this up has freed me to embrace and rejoice in my own manner and personality in the measure of my creation.”

Portraits of Eve: God’s Promises of Personal Identity, Patricia T. Holland, LDS Women’s treasury: Insights and Inspiration for Today’s Woman {Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1997}

I love this quote. First of all, because I have experienced similar thoughts and feelings, with a bit of reversal with my spouse. I have many times tried to measure my passionate and expressive self to the quiet, reflective, peacemakers of the world like my husband. I have often found myself admiring and wishing I could be like Charles and others with similar qualities. But I have also found through my own fatiguing failures that you can’t have joy in being a quiet person when you are naturally a very expressive person. Many times, I felt like I was suffocating as I constantly tried to suppress the natural desire to jubilantly express my thoughts and feelings. I have slowly learned, like Sister Holland, to stop seeing myself as a flawed person and to realize that I wouldn’t have been given the gift of being able to express my feelings and put them into words if God hadn’t wanted me to use it.

At this time of New Year’s resolutions and goals and thoughts of trying to be better and do better, I wanted to share this. It is good to want to recognize our weaknesses and want to work on them. For example, I need to learn to be still at times, and my husband needs to speak up at times, and that’s not a bad thing. But we should also be careful to not go too far to wishing away the very gifts and qualities and personality traits that make us who we are and give us the ability to uniquely contribute to the world. Your family and those you meet in this life need you right now, just as you are. You are enough for them, even with your imperfections. You have something special and original to offer the world. 

As we look to our Heavenly Father and our Savior, they can help us know the things we can work on and improve. But they will also help us see who we truly are in their eyes and their plan for us and the gifts we have to offer. And as we discover our own talents and abilities and truly use them in the best way we know how, we will begin to recognize and see the gifts of all of those around us and come to appreciate them, instead of using them to compare ourselves or make us feel deficient.

Even with the mistakes we will inevitably make or the ways we know we fall short…the world needs quiet, peacemaking Charles’, it needs expressive, passionate Melissa’s, and it most definitely needs you too.